I guess I'm used to being the observer, not the observed and it is nerving, like someone waiting for my mask to fall, to see behind the mask.
My ex always hated my mask, he always thought it was lying or being fake... never could understand that it wasn't really for others, it was something I had to do to keep living and that people didn't need to see what lies beneath the surface of the smiles.
I always figured anyone who really looked would know that the smiles on my face were mostly faked, but hell if I could just convince myself, I could keep breathing lmao.
I was too light in the begining...then I was too dark...I find it hilarious now that he thought that.  I laughed at him when he told me all those years ago I wasn't dark enough for him... if he only fucking knew what was inside, but hell I really didn't/don't want people to know that part. Then the final months of hell.. I was too depressed, to dark... to negative... ah again if he only knew... the cracks he saw where from him wearing down the mask...killing the illusion of what I needed. It just makes me sad, he broke me down with his words... I wasnt strong enough to keep dancing like a fool. I just wanted to be seen and be loved... apparently a foolish notion.. I just got to the point of wanting to be seen by someone...wanted someone to care that I wasn't happy.

Yet it just seems like we are ants passing by in the dark, too wrapped in our own lives to care about others. Maybe thats why they can't see me, though I really go from phases from wanting someone to see me to wanting to be invisible. I have felt love, deep and passionate, yet seemed to never be enough. I wanted something so much more than real life seems to offer.

A connection.
That spark.
Something to distract me from all the pain I've gone through... that I'm in.

Someone who can make me laugh in the midst of tears. Who understands I'm a sad person.

I'm afraid to fall in love again. I have this need to save people from me. I feel like I can only promise pain. My life is soo chaotic. Things always go... in interesting and crazy paths.. I just feel so guilty for asking anyone to share that with me.
Though the longer I stay alive, the more I feel like I wont have a partner to share the load... who could handle my insanity...
I really don't know if there will anyone out there strong enough. I don't know if I can love again... I'm so jaded from everything.
But maybe...
maybe
I will heal enough to allow myself to love again.
to trust again.
but is there someone out there who will be okay to have someone like me as thier partner...
Someone who won't be able to do the dishes, because she is barely strong enough to lift herself out of bed, let alone make it to the kitchen to eat, do the dishes and put them away. To lift herself up out of her own sorrow, but not able to do the laundry.
To find the strength to smile when someone looks at her...
yet unable to verbally say she is okay...
to lie and say that things are "swell"
Someone who can handle the darkness that consumes me from time to time..
The day-mares the frequent my vision.
Words I can't speak.
The need to be alone at times.
The need to dance around the room like a complete lunatic to lift my mood out of the oblivion it falls into.
Someday I may even be able to speak the visions to someone,
   but I can not even bare to write them out to the emptiness of the page.
They say someday is code for never will be... but I have to hang-on to my someday...
  to my dreams
     because if i don't...
       what else is there to breathe for?